"I am Immortal"

Forever is a shitty word.  It is a word that can be interpreted in many different ways. Most people think forever is this term for a vast space of time. One that has no end and continues on till the universe ceases to exist. There are others who see it as something that can only end when you, yourself, stop breathing and die. For me there is only one way to see Forever...it is a curse.

A spell, a threat, a bad juju, a hex. Forever consumes my life. I cannot escape it no matter what I do. Forever is eternity, and it is my burden. In some point in time I was banished from the land of the dead. Never to step foot in its parts. If I should drown, get shot, stabbed, kill myself...I will be thrown back to the moment it should have happened. The moment that I should have died. 

Dying hurts me just like it would anyone else. Only I do not actually die. I go through the immense pain of death only to awaken seconds before my demise. I am back to where I started. Right before the robber pulled out his gun, right before I kicked out the chair beneath me. I am alive, as you would say.

I do not like using that word to describe my circumstance. In my eyes I am actually far from alive. To me being alive comes with the inevitability that you will die. Well I wont...or cant. God willing there is some mystical force out there that can end me, but I have yet to come across anything close.  

I have been "alive" now for 28 years. I know what your thinking...no I am not loosing my mind.There has been countless times I should have been killed but I wasn't. Nine times, to be exact, I felt myself die, only I didn't. It is like destiny steps in and continually stops me from dying. It gives me a chance to keep it from happening. I wish destiny would mind its own god damn business.

The first time it happened I was twelve. My mother and I were on a road trip through Arizona. Just as we passed the California state line a truck swerved from the other side of the free way and collided into us head on. I was in the front seat and I can still feel the glass splattering across my face, ripping small pieces of skin to to my lap. I remember hearing my mother's body being crushed just as my lower half was made into a muddy mess. I remember the searing heat pushing itself up my body and through my lungs, making them burst from the pressure. I can steal taste all the blood that was forming in my mouth. I cannot recall any sounds though. Other than the initial impact, from then on the seconds that followed was pure silence. I was dead. 

I give it twelve seconds. That is how long I have to be dead before i open my eyes to the exact moment before the impact. 

This time I recognized what would happen, like it was deja vu and I pointed quickly to the truck on the other side. My mom instantly unbuckled herself and threw herself on me just before the truck struck our car. This time I did not die...only my mother did. And this time I would not get a chance to go back and relive the moment again. She was gone and I was still here.

I remember staring blankly at the sky as the EMT's wheeled me into the ambulance. They were probably surprised I wasn't crying, that I showed no emotion. They had no idea that I just watched and heard my mom die twice. The second time was on top of me. Her rib cage bones had punctured my upper chest. My leg had been crushed again. Now I was too entranced to notice the pain. My brain was too busy with the thoughts in my head.

It took weeks after my rehabilitation to come to terms with her death. I would stay up at night and squeeze my eyes shut over and over again. Hoping to see her again like before. Hoping to be back in that moment again. Maybe I could have done things differently. Maybe I should have swerved our steering wheel and avoided the collision. Maybe maybe maybe. For the past 16 years all I have are maybes. 

Who would plant such a terrible thing onto a person? What did I do in my twelve years to deserve watching my mother die twice?

 It seems in these days being able to live forever is something people strive for. Thanks to vampires and werewolves. And i wish this curse came with some other "talent", but it doesn't as far as I know. All I can do is die countless time. Sweet...

Death is apart of life. Death is what we all have in common. So I guess that makes me the only truly original person on this planet. I am driven to insanity. I am bonded to this earth.

I am immortal. 

more to come soon....

The Little Vampire=Life Lesson

There once was girl who had a dream(don't we all). This dream was to be a vampire.
Were you expecting that?
I am sure now a days kids dream this more often. You know, because of twilight and all that.
I remember I wanted to be a vampire when I was nine years old. That was back in 2000. The motive? Anna Popplewell in the move "The Little Vampire". See image below.

Ring a bell? If not, I do not blame you. It came out well over 13 years ago, and did relatively okay. However, It still frequently plays on Disney channel during Halloween time. Hence why I thought of it.
Disclaimer; I have an attention span of a fly so bare with me...

Okay, At nine years old I would frequently dream I could whistle for hours(watch the movie) and feed off cows. This is not a joke. I remember pretending to feed off my dog once. My poor grandmother was horrified.

See this is wayyyy before Twilight came around. This was when vampires were bats, wore aristocrat clothing, and could only come out at night. There was no love story either. The movie was mostly about a friendship between a human boy and a vampire. And let me tell you these vampires were perfectly fine being vampires. They were proud rather then morally wounded...*cough *cough Edward Cullen.
So here I was this little girl running around at night pretending to be a vampire, not a princess. Years later this makes a lot of sense, but I remember the idea was scary even then. I knew my friends would think I was weird so I never mentioned my little bloody secret.

Now that I am older (21 to be exact) I have come to realize being immortal would absolutely suck. I would have to watch my love ones die around me. I can tell you from experience watching death is not a memory I want to live with for millions of years.

Is it wrong that I wanted to be vampire? Maybe...I mean they do kill things, but I had the right idea. Being a princess is never going to happen for most of the kids out there today. I know that sounds harsh, but it doesn't have to be. The truth is women have grown up believing if they are beautiful and nice(which most of us are not) then we will meet a handsome prince one day and he will take care of us.

Ummmm.....lame???!!!!!

I for one, never wanted a man to take care of me. I still take my boyfriend out to dinners just as much as he takes me out. We equally pay for rent. I am not saying I think all women should be like this, but I think all women should face that this could happen. And its not a bad thing!

When you come from little money you dream of having more. Its just natural. All humans want what they do not have. Well what if movies stopped making women think that someone else will always solve their problems with money? Money sucks!!!!! I do not need to give the details, but money ruins your life in many ways. I know that we all need money, we all need to live. Getting nice clothes and a Bentley is not needed! It means nothing!!! I have watched people die in front of me. You know what was next to them? Not their nice mansions or yachts. Their family....the people who they touched in their lives.

The feeling of being independent, laughter, worthiness...those are worth more than gold. I know it all sounds cliche, but I am so sick of watching women gravel over men with money. Recently I had to listen to a girl talk about the ring she might be getting from her boyfriend soon. She went on and on about the carat size and the history of it. Not once did she mention the love and meaning behind the ring. Talk about depressing...

Look this all can be argued. I am sure someone with a college degree could find some way to nitpick at this comment, but IDGAF! Women please make your girls watch movies like "Brave" or "The Little Vampire". Make them watch the "Color of Friendship" or something. DO NOT let them grow up the way we did. Let them know every day that there is a big wide world filled with so much more than materials. Memories are what last...fire burns all objects.

They will thank you for it one day...even after they throw a fit that they cannot where a slutty Halloween costume.

Back to me being a blood sucker...I am glad that was my dream. I wanted to be different. I wanted to break a mold. I just wish I had the guts to tell my friends. I still do not know if I am any closer to becoming the independent, not scared of anything, confident vampire...but I am sure as hell trying. I will not give up until I have made everyone realize I am no ordinary girl. I am weird, I am sarcastic, I am loyal, I am passionate, and I am my own person.

The Little Vampire may have been my muse then, but it is most definitely not now. I have real life muses now. People who let me be weird all day everyday, and they love me.

So next time you come across a child hood movie that once moved you. Stop and think about why it did just that. And then let everyone know. Tell everyone that loves you why you loved that movie. See what they have to say. Maybe they will think you are a risk taker, or maybe they will think you are just like every other  girl out there. Regardless, you will feel better, and you will start in the direction of a new life. Unless you dreamed you were Pocahontas, cause then you will have to live on a reservation and I heard that's really difficult to get into unless your related...