A spell, a threat, a bad juju, a hex. Forever consumes my life. I cannot escape it no matter what I do. Forever is eternity, and it is my burden. In some point in time I was banished from the land of the dead. Never to step foot in its parts. If I should drown, get shot, stabbed, kill myself...I will be thrown back to the moment it should have happened. The moment that I should have died.
Dying hurts me just like it would anyone else. Only I do not actually die. I go through the immense pain of death only to awaken seconds before my demise. I am back to where I started. Right before the robber pulled out his gun, right before I kicked out the chair beneath me. I am alive, as you would say.
I do not like using that word to describe my circumstance. In my eyes I am actually far from alive. To me being alive comes with the inevitability that you will die. Well I wont...or cant. God willing there is some mystical force out there that can end me, but I have yet to come across anything close.
I have been "alive" now for 28 years. I know what your thinking...no I am not loosing my mind.There has been countless times I should have been killed but I wasn't. Nine times, to be exact, I felt myself die, only I didn't. It is like destiny steps in and continually stops me from dying. It gives me a chance to keep it from happening. I wish destiny would mind its own god damn business.
The first time it happened I was twelve. My mother and I were on a road trip through Arizona. Just as we passed the California state line a truck swerved from the other side of the free way and collided into us head on. I was in the front seat and I can still feel the glass splattering across my face, ripping small pieces of skin to to my lap. I remember hearing my mother's body being crushed just as my lower half was made into a muddy mess. I remember the searing heat pushing itself up my body and through my lungs, making them burst from the pressure. I can steal taste all the blood that was forming in my mouth. I cannot recall any sounds though. Other than the initial impact, from then on the seconds that followed was pure silence. I was dead.
I give it twelve seconds. That is how long I have to be dead before i open my eyes to the exact moment before the impact.
This time I recognized what would happen, like it was deja vu and I pointed quickly to the truck on the other side. My mom instantly unbuckled herself and threw herself on me just before the truck struck our car. This time I did not die...only my mother did. And this time I would not get a chance to go back and relive the moment again. She was gone and I was still here.
I remember staring blankly at the sky as the EMT's wheeled me into the ambulance. They were probably surprised I wasn't crying, that I showed no emotion. They had no idea that I just watched and heard my mom die twice. The second time was on top of me. Her rib cage bones had punctured my upper chest. My leg had been crushed again. Now I was too entranced to notice the pain. My brain was too busy with the thoughts in my head.
It took weeks after my rehabilitation to come to terms with her death. I would stay up at night and squeeze my eyes shut over and over again. Hoping to see her again like before. Hoping to be back in that moment again. Maybe I could have done things differently. Maybe I should have swerved our steering wheel and avoided the collision. Maybe maybe maybe. For the past 16 years all I have are maybes.
Who would plant such a terrible thing onto a person? What did I do in my twelve years to deserve watching my mother die twice?
It seems in these days being able to live forever is something people strive for. Thanks to vampires and werewolves. And i wish this curse came with some other "talent", but it doesn't as far as I know. All I can do is die countless time. Sweet...
Death is apart of life. Death is what we all have in common. So I guess that makes me the only truly original person on this planet. I am driven to insanity. I am bonded to this earth.
I am immortal.
more to come soon....
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